So, why have I not killed myself:
(1) I don’t want to fuck up my kids, and sadly, they have become old enough that they would probably understand that they weren’t enough for me if I called it a day. According to a Johns Hopkins study published in 2010, suicide (shockingly) is bad for kids:
“Losing a parent to suicide at an early age emerges as a catalyst for suicide and psychiatric disorders,” says lead investigator Holly C. Wilcox, Ph.D., a psychiatric epidemiologist at Hopkins Children’s. “However, it’s likely that developmental, environmental and genetic factors all come together, most likely simultaneously, to increase risk.” [...] Those who lost a parent to suicide as children or teens were three times more likely to commit suicide than children and teenagers with living parents. [...] In addition, those who lost parents to suicide were nearly twice as likely to be hospitalized for depression as those with living parents. And those who lost parents to accidents or illness had 30 and 40 percent higher risk, respectively, for hospitalization. Losing a parent, regardless of cause, increased a child’s risk of committing a violent crime, the researchers found.
(2) I won’t make an important decision impulsively. I have a complicated method of death; I have the supplies and it will work, but it will take a little patience and a calm, steady mind to do it. I have resisted the temptation of getting a gun because I know I would potentially use it without reflection. I have the application from the police to get a permit to buy one, but I haven’t turned it in. I will not kill myself in a moment of pain or weakness.
(3) Commitments matter a lot to me. If I say that I am going to do something, it is going to happen. If that means helping to take care of someone or completing a project, I will see through my commitments. People can say a lot of horrible things about me when I am dead, and they probably will, but it won’t be that I let someone down because I didn’t follow through.
(4) Guilt. My husband, my mom, my children — I know they would get over it, and I know they have other people to depend on, or could find other people to depend on — but unless they give me their blessing, I still feel tremendous guilt. Rationally, I tell myself that I will be dead and there is no guilt in non-existence, but still it persists.
(5) The things I am not ready to say good bye to yet. My babies’ kisses and funny, gruff little voices… the few friends I would feel like I was betraying… the list of novels I still need to read (or re-read)…
(6) Loneliness. When I contemplate doing it in earnest, I feel overwhelmingly alone. There are no connections in death.
(7) Time. I’m not in a rush; life plods on. It is always an option and a solace. I don’t need to do anything right now.
The reason for posting about suicide: I am concerned about some of my co-bloggers (damnit, I was never going to use that word — it feels so miserably round in my mouth). I hope they are remembering their lists of why-not too…