The world perplexes me. It is so vast and so mobile and continuous. I guess that the anxiety I have of crowds, the unknown, vastness… it keeps me curled up inside “my world.” The lonely one where I do the same things day in and day out. Be a mom, be a wife, be a good employee… just… be…
I sometimes let my mind wander to what the life of the lady in the car next to me may be. She’s all dolled up and so put together. I bet she’s happy. I walk past someone in the grocery store and see their expression and wonder if they hate being here and dealing with all of these strangers as much as I do? Or am I the only one screaming curse words inside my head so loud I go deaf? Why can’t I just do these mundane things like the rest of the world?
I think of my family and friends. I use the term “friends” loosely, as I don’t have very many. Acquaintances? Sure, I have those. But true friends? Those are few and far between. So, the ones I do have – I cherish. I love. I think about. I want them to be happy. I think, actually, that my happiness depends (in part) on their happiness. I want to make them better. I don’t want them to hurt anymore. Sometimes, I think that in all of this “wanting” for those I care about the most, I hurt myself. I start thinking that I’m obviously not good enough to fix them or make them happy. I think I empty myself hoping for them. And – in the midst of it all – I find myself so incredibly lonely. I stare at my phone – hoping I can will it to ring or have a text pop up. I want someone to want me to be all better and fixed. But – that’s just me being the selfish bitch that I am, I guess. So… I continue to be me in my silent loneliness – surrounded by the world, acquaintances, family, and the occasional friend. Not knowing how to be normal and right.
I just… be…