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Author Archives: K
something horrible
“I think when something horrible happens to you, you end up encoding it as ‘I am horrible’ instead of ‘I have endured something horrible.’ And that’s not fair to you.” R said that to me in November. I emailed it … Continue reading
Posted in Depression, General Neurosis
Tagged depression, self loathing, therapy
i am bad
I’m thinking about quitting my job. I am really down over my boss’ comment about my personality not being right to succeed, and I just want to run away. It’s true after all. I’m not perky or outgoing. I am … Continue reading
Posted in Depression
Tagged depression, failure, self loathing
discount therapy
I’m a jerk who doesn’t pay for therapy. Or at least not what it’s worth. Maybe. I have been seeing R consistently again for four years. Last fall, when he suggested that I should come in twice a week rather … Continue reading
i want to go home
I ache for home. I can sit in my living room, cross-legged in my pajamas reading a book, the children playing happily nearby, and it will rock me like a wave of grief. I want to go home. It’s a … Continue reading
Posted in General Neurosis, Personal K
Tagged depression, home, numbers
session apprehension
I still feel awful about making posts here, but I am going to continue making this effort for no other reason than I need to make an effort. I’m already feeling nervous. I see my therapist tomorrow; I see … Continue reading
intellectualization: my best defense (mechanism)
A list of defense mechanisms. Intellectualization works for me. I don’t like feeling; I like research questions. I’m good at research questions. I’m not smart, but I’m good at research questions. I’m not sure if I can keep doing … Continue reading
Posted in General Neurosis, Therapy
Tagged defense mechanism, failure, intellectualization
shame of blogging
It hit me this morning in the shower – I shouldn’t be doing this. I know that no one is really going to read this page, so it’s not that kind of worry — although I cringe at the thought … Continue reading
Posted in General Neurosis
Tagged self loathing, shame
transference: or why i want to punch my therapist, have him be my father, and give him a blow job
Yeah, I said it. Sometimes it feels like it would be a really good idea to give my middle-aged therapist a blow job. Not that I would ever tell him, not that he would ever let me, and not that … Continue reading
Posted in General Neurosis, Therapist, Therapy
Tagged therapy, transference
dreams: nagging little bastards
R committed a sin today. He said we should talk about — (the shame!) — dreams. I understand that it’s a staple of psychoanalytical therapy, but seriously. It’s so self-indulgent to think even your randomly firing thoughts deserve some sort … Continue reading
surprisingly difficult
So, one of my quirks — I have very little capacity for overcoming insignificant roadblocks. Big issues are fine. Mostly. But if I miss my exit driving in a foreign city, I’m a mess for hours. If a store I … Continue reading
Posted in General Neurosis
Tagged introductions