One of the things I value is compassion toward others. The career I chose requires me to have empathy for other’s needs and struggles. Why is it then that I have, in my opinion, one of the most selfish, self-centered disorders there is? Depression. It’s so self-focused, so inward. It’s not who I want to be. In my darkest days I feel myself withdrawing, wanting to ignore the world and its problems. The downward spiral is full of self-deprecating thoughts, full of thoughts of wanting to die and how I will kill myself. Full of thoughts of ME. Me. Me. It’s all about me.
My rational brain looks for perspective. I can place my external life struggles on a scale and comparatively speaking, I don’t have any reason to be depressed. My rational mind believes perspective can lift me out of these dark places. Think of others. Do for others. Be thankful for the gifts in my life. Yet, my emotions continue to take hold of me. Lie to me. Grip me and not let go. What the hell? It frustrates me that I need medication to make my brain behave.