I was 12 when I first started therapy. It was court ordered for three years but my mom forbade me from telling what had happened to me because my dad and brother were already in a lot of trouble over my sister. This began to interfere in my life since my therapists couldn’t figure out why I was such an angry child. I was 20 before I sought treatment for myself and it was a lot of trial and error. Many of the therapists and doctors I saw were awful and should not be in the field period, but a few along the way were helpful.
I had a good therapist for six years — she was more than a therapist, she was a friend and I miss her all the time. The biggest thing I gained from therapy with her was to know that my family will never change and my dad and brother are not in control of their compulsions. I can only keep my own children safe and that is all. Also, it is necessary to sacrifice going to family events in order to keep a safe distance. And the single most important piece of advice that she gave me which was also the hardest: BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES!
I am Bipolar, Depressive, and have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety Disorder. I know these to be the correct diagnoses from years of being misdiagnosed by professionals who tried to force me to fit their labels. Probably the most damaging would be the year and a half I spent with a therapist that was hell bent on me having Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Eventually I had to leave the practice after it was clear that the agenda revolved around her writing a book on Dissociatives.
I am currently on a strong mood stabilizer, but in the past I have been on:
- Prozac
- Zoloft
- Wellbutrin
- Lithium
- Klonopin
- Xanax
- Ativan
This isn’t a complete list but there are far too many for that.
I love the immediate effect of benzos, but the day after taking them I am hugely agitated, aggressive, argumentative, and out of control of my anger. I’ve had to tell doctors over and over that I simply can’t take them, and I don’t unless I am on the verge of going in-patient.
My current medication is the only one we’ve found that will also deal with my insomnia but in the decade I’ve been taking it I have also gained over 70 pounds. I feel conflicted a lot of times because the benefits are undeniable, but gaining so much weight has added to my problems.